I used to be a loner :)

Well, I used to be a loner; almost anyone who became my classmate in HS knows that, esp. in the first year. “I hate the crowd”, I said once. Why? Because I was VERY insecure then. I didn’t know any reason why I should be proud of myself. I had no self-confidence. I didn’t find anything special in me (until now).



What made me change?

I just accepted who I am. The reason why I was very insecure was that I couldn’t accept myself – everything about me – the good as well as the bad. I used to despise my faults and weaknesses. And it was by admittiing those weaknesses and regarding them as something that should be overcome that I found peace of mind. It changed my perception of life.



Now, as much as possible I want myself to be happy – I want to hear myself heartily laughing – or smiling. It’s a temporary escape of the reality. It’s just my way to feel happy - for a while.



But it doesn’t change the fact that I am still very miserable inside. My heart still bears the pain of the past and the anxiety of the present. Whenever I am alone, I remember very well how foolish I had been and how I continue to be foolish. Deep inside exists the mystery of my soul, the explanation of why I act this or that way, why I am very inconsistent and irrational.



On the other hand, there’s still a good side of being a loner. I observe things which busy people may not be able to observe or they may not regard as something important at all. For instance, I recognize the behavior of a person towards another or how a group of friends behave in a certain situation. I also appreciate nature more because it seems to cooperate in my silent meditation. It gives me peace of mind. It’s true that when you see a loner it doesn’t necessarily mean that he/she is unhappy. In my case, sometimes I choose to be alone because that’s the only way that I can reflect peacefully.



Still, I thank my friends for being kind, sympathetic and supportive. Without them, it would have been a hard time for me. Thank you very much to all of you.