Liking someone [SUMMER 2008]

SUMMER 2008

Like

Ahem… ahem…

Hello!!!

Thank you for visiting my blog

Klaro bang wa koy lingaw???

What does the word “like” mean?

It depends upon how you understand it.

Kapuy explain =D

Actually, it’s not just a person

But persons

Extraordinary persons

Those who …

made me think about them

made my heart beat faster

made me smile when no one’s there

are the causes of my head and heartaches

made me imagine that I can be with them…

happily

which is impossible

and thinking about it makes it

far more impossible to happen

Gosh!!!

as one of my classmates stated it,

“They are distractions!”

Well, sort of =D

Should i love you?

Around 3rd week of March 2008

 

 

Should I love you???

 

 I can have 100 crushes a day

That won’t change anything

And who would care?

Who do you think would care?

Who do you think would read this blog?

Maybe someone who’s also bored with his/her life

Maybe…

Action speaks louder than words

And so

I should express myself through actions

Not through these words

Not by typing letters with the use of the keyboard

Is that so?

 

I know

I was not able to show my feelings

I did not tell anyone

Not even to the person I like

Why should I?

 

“… and love in your heart

Wasn’t put there to stay

Love isn’t love

‘Til you give it away”

 

Shoot!

 

Naigo jud ko ai

 Saun man na

 Dili man jud nako feel ipakita =) 

It’s not yet time to fall in love

It is the time to enjoy 

Explore…

Discover… 

Discover what? 

I don’t know

But I have some ideas 

I will discover that… 

Love is not really exciting

Sometimes you don’t have a choice 

But to “love” a person you do not love

and/or who doesn’t love you or

 If you have a choice: 

To be with the person you love

But cannot provide your “needs”

OR

To a person who has everything

Can give you all the riches in the world

But you can’t love 

No matter how hard you try

 

Idealism

or

Practicality

?

Choose!!!

 

 

===================================================

  

Pessimistic!

tsk tsk tsk

 

I was jealous

April 20, 2008    03:47 PM

 

 

Sunday.

I can’t believe it. 3rd week of April. Time is swiftly running.

I’m pondering a quote from Sappho describing the inner torment of jealousy.

 

Peer of gods he seemeth to me, the blissful 

Man who sits and gazes at thee before him 

Close beside thee sits, and in silence hears thee. 

Silverly speaking. 

Laughing love’s low laughter. Oh, this, this only 

Stirs the troubled heart in my breast to tremble! 

For should I but see thee a little moment, 

Straight is my voice hushed; 

Yea, my tongue is broken, and through and through me 

‘Neath the flesh, impalpable fire runs tingling; 

Nothing see mine eyes, and a voice of roaring 

Waves in my ears sounds 

  - “Ode to Atthis”

 

 

If you were my crush

Around 3rd week of March 2008          a typical evening

 

Start!

 

To the person I like:

 

 

Maybe you don’t know or you will never know. There’s something in your eyes that is perplexing. Yes, it is wonderful to look into them, but I dare not for I am afraid that I may not be able to hold your gaze. And that will make the situation worse. 

Actually, I am happy that you do not know. For in that way, I can like and unlike (naghimo2 jud ug term =D) you anytime I want. And that’s the beauty of liking someone. You don’t have to think of what they’re thinking about you. 

Well, I guess that I have to say goodbye for now. I’m confident that I will be able to forget you sooner or later (xur?). Though I know that it won’t be easy.

 But it’s not the end of my suffering. I know that in a few months, I will meet a new set of “persons to like”. Hahay, kasamok ba aning mga hormones wui. Nganong kinahanglan pa man ta ma-crush ha? Pwede bang wala na lang. Because so far I cannot see its importance in my life. Murag nagsamok2x lang. Feeling nako sala man japun nako. Why did I allow it to affect my life? Siguro dili pa nako ma-appreciate ang iyang importance karon. Kanus-a pa man diay?
 

(Patience is the answer!)

 

Secluded last April

April 19, 2008 10:48 PM

I’m here. Wide awake. It’s almost eleven PM. I can’t sleep.

I just recovered from a fever. Oh, was that really a fever or just a fancy fever? It lasted for two days or so. Maybe just another mild headache…

Now, what is there to keep myself busy? I have already wasted two weeks of my life… two weeks of precious time. As if I have not been wasting my life doing nothing…

So, what does this help me?

Translating my thoughts into writing. Useless. I would have been more motivated if I were writing a suicide note. Oh, come on!

No, I’m not suicidal of course. I’m just suffering from a sedentary, boring life. Maybe I’m missing my busy high school days, and the hectic schedule associated with it. Ugh… Very boring…

Roughly two weeks from now will be the enrolment day. May 7. I should start to dig for my requirements, wherever they are. At last, I will see my friends again. Familiar faces. Oh, how they will change! I hope so…

…

I should be doing something useful. Maybe a community work or so…

Can I really do that?

Summer

An unfortunate being as I am, I’m stuck here inside this boring house and I’m making my life more miserable day by day. Do I have a choice? I should not be surprised anymore. Why, I’ve been doing this for years already… if not ages.

This is the time when most teenagers are enjoying themselves. Maybe, attending parties and dancing until dawn, shopping, gossiping, whatever…

Hmmm…. I’m curious. I’ll google this out… I’ll check if my guess is correct. So, I have project # 1. What do Filipino teenagers do during summer? Something to keep myself busy…

I used to be a loner :)

Well, I used to be a loner; almost anyone who became my classmate in HS knows that, esp. in the first year. “I hate the crowd”, I said once. Why? Because I was VERY insecure then. I didn’t know any reason why I should be proud of myself. I had no self-confidence. I didn’t find anything special in me (until now).



What made me change?

I just accepted who I am. The reason why I was very insecure was that I couldn’t accept myself – everything about me – the good as well as the bad. I used to despise my faults and weaknesses. And it was by admittiing those weaknesses and regarding them as something that should be overcome that I found peace of mind. It changed my perception of life.



Now, as much as possible I want myself to be happy – I want to hear myself heartily laughing – or smiling. It’s a temporary escape of the reality. It’s just my way to feel happy - for a while.



But it doesn’t change the fact that I am still very miserable inside. My heart still bears the pain of the past and the anxiety of the present. Whenever I am alone, I remember very well how foolish I had been and how I continue to be foolish. Deep inside exists the mystery of my soul, the explanation of why I act this or that way, why I am very inconsistent and irrational.



On the other hand, there’s still a good side of being a loner. I observe things which busy people may not be able to observe or they may not regard as something important at all. For instance, I recognize the behavior of a person towards another or how a group of friends behave in a certain situation. I also appreciate nature more because it seems to cooperate in my silent meditation. It gives me peace of mind. It’s true that when you see a loner it doesn’t necessarily mean that he/she is unhappy. In my case, sometimes I choose to be alone because that’s the only way that I can reflect peacefully.



Still, I thank my friends for being kind, sympathetic and supportive. Without them, it would have been a hard time for me. Thank you very much to all of you.